“It will change your life forever.”

“It will be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding.”

“It gets easier.”

These are all things that I heard people say multiple times after becoming pregnant, but if I’m being real, I don’t really know what any of that means. The reality is that nothing can prepare you for being a parent, either. You may have a lot of knowledge, but that won’t make you good at it.

Single Mom Struggles

And just to provide a bit of context about me, I’m a single mom, and it was definitely not by choice. Of course, I made the choice to become a mom, but going it alone was not the plan. We got left. And I lost my job in the middle of the storm. I say all of this not to invite a pity party or praise. 

Sometimes people say to me, “I don’t know how you’re doing it all..” The truth is that I’m not alone. I have a great support system. But I am my daughter’s only parent. So I was still left with the question, how do I become a good mother? And dad??

I read a few books. I’ve been a child caregiver before. Thankfully, I have parents who raised me with the intent of giving me something better and more stable than they had. But it’s a little bit like reading about gymnastics, watching Simone Biles do it on TV, and then trying to compete against her. You would undoubtedly fall on your face.

Overcoming Overwhelm

Feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and the most unsure of myself that I can ever recall feeling in my life, my little one came into the world in January of this year. I chose to focus on a few things in my journey through motherhood, which has allowed both me and Eliana to grow. I also feel like a lot of the “mom help” that I read online is not “for me,” if that makes sense.

I’m not sure who their audience is, and maybe it’s my single-mom-ness, but sometimes it only makes me feel worse. It’s just not helpful to tell me to make sure “my partner is on board” with my parenting decisions. Yes! The mental load is the hardest part. I digress.

Strategies for Success

I figure I’m not the only one who feels a little lost. On the other hand, I’m not only becoming a great mom, I’m becoming a better person, so maybe what I’m learning might help others.

My approach to becoming a great mom can be summed up in two strategies

1. Child-lead development and learning
2. Fostering a healthy child-parent relationship

Fostering a Healthy Relationship

Let’s break down the second one first because it’s more straightforward. While it may seem strange to try to build a relationship with a baby, if you apply healthy relationship principles to that of mother-child, it can reveal a method for the sound judgment and decision-making that your child needs.

So, how do you have a healthy relationship with a baby?? Right now, Eliana is nine months old. I have to meet all of her needs. She isn’t capable of meeting her needs or mine. Therefore, I must meet all of my own needs to provide for her and meet hers. We have to take care of ourselves.

Surprise! You can’t take care of yourself when you’re aimlessly wandering through life, letting the waves pummel you. You have to know who you are and where you are. Newsflash! Having breakfast and taking a shower every day isn’t self-care. It’s more about having a healthy mindset.

Learning from Your Child

Now, how can a baby teach you how to be a great mom? I believe Eliana picked me to be her mother. She was actually a wish on a shooting star. She came to me from the cosmos and said, I want this woman to bring me into the world. So, if she picked me, she could also show me what kind of a momma she needs.

Again, this requires a great deal of awareness and stillness. As parents, we have to plan everything. We’re always trying to get ahead. I put Eliana down for a nap and immediately think about what she needs after her nap. It’s easy to miss things when we are in a constant state of looking ahead. When Eliana starts crying, I usually just pause and look at her for a moment to see if I understand. It’s hard. It requires patience and stillness.

The Surfing Analogy

I’m a surfer. There’s a critical moment in surfing where you can stand up on the board and harness the energy of the wave to let it carry you to the shore. If you miss the critical moment, you fall, and sometimes it can be dangerous. I’ve had the leash get wrapped around my legs, I’ve hit my head, I’ve taken in a lot of water, and gotten disoriented. But there is something brilliant that occurs when you are able to command the force of the ocean. It’s actually made me weep before. It’s such a healing feeling. Motherhood is exactly like that. You have to stand up at precisely the right moment. It is impossible to stand up if you’re only thinking about the shore and not where your feet are.

Motherhood as Salvation

Motherhood is becoming my salvation. It is making me more compassionate and more self-aware, teaching me the beauty of sacrifice, and helping me harness my observation and attentiveness skills. By focusing on being who Eliana needs, I have become a better human. You can’t be a shitty person and be a mom. Well, you can, but you won’t be a very good mom.

Finally, here are some practical tips:

1. Put your cell phone down

2. Wear sunscreen

3. Learn about sleep. Seriously. Everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps, which is just stupid. You can’t. But everything is easier when the baby and you sleep well. So, just read some blogs about sleep or something.

Closing Thoughts

Motherhood is magical. There is something mysterious about it that can’t quite be put into words. I read that while in the womb, we exchange cells with the baby, and it continues to happen through breastfeeding. That’s science, but it sounds more like magic to me.